10 Situations I Know to be Impossibly Awkward

1. Any situation where you or the other person involved happens to say “Well, this is awkward, isn’t it?”: There’s no going back after uttering those six fateful words.

2. STI/smear tests: Not sure I’ll ever be adult enough to fully feel comfortable hovering my ‘lady area’ in the face of a random medical professional. After one check up I clocked the nurse who had just swabbed me Googling ‘local curry houses’ – what does that even mean? Hopefully nothing bad?

3. Receiving a present you don’t like: I once read that you should always try to find one positive about the item and focus on that, i.e. “Ooh, it’s a lovely colour!” But if you really can’t find anything positive to say, then screw it, be honest. They obviously didn’t try hard enough. (I’m joking, always be gracious and then locate the nearest charity shop at first opportunity).

4. Sneezing and not having a tissue to hand: I mean one of those ‘chunky sneezes’ that happen sometimes, you know the ones. They usually appear during an important conversation. So, what do you do – attempt to snort the evidence back up or just place your hand over your face and slowly back out of the room?

5. Misjudging a fancy dress party: “Yeah, yeah we’re all really going to town on our costumes for this one Jen!” Most excellent, so will I. Oh, wait… why is everybody else looking all normal and gorgeous and I’m dressed as Britney circa 2007 in a bald cap and waving an umbrella around? Shit one.

6. People sitting too close on public transport: Please can people just stop sitting so close to me on public transport?

7. When you’re watching TV with your parents and a sex scene comes on: They’re not supposed to know that I know about any of this funny business and I certainly don’t want to know that they do. Kevin and Perry have the idea of parental-related procreation exactly right: it happened once, in the dark, by accident. And they both vomited afterwards. Fab.

8. Paying for a bus ticket with small change: If it’s someone else doing it you sit and scowl, thinking ‘Grr, hurry up mate!’, but when it’s your turn to scrape together the 20ps, rummaging for coins feels like it lasts a lifetime. Honestly, people are so judgemental.

9. Karaoke

10. Watching Blonde Electra making out on the X Factor final last night. They’re siblings? Surely just stop touching tongues with your sibling on national TV?

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