As you may or may not have noticed, it is now 2015, hurrah! And, as is custom around this time of year, people are making and breaking New Year’s resolutions left, right and centre.

Today, in a combination of post-break up self loathing and as a knock on effect of having watched ‘Katie Hopkins: My Fat Story’, I decided to belatedly jump on board the “getting in shape” bandwagon.

As ashamed as I am to admit that Hopkins’ documentary played a part in this, it did make me very aware that I haven’t deliberately exercised in close to a year and that the reason my jeans don’t fit any more is because I look like I’m pregnant following a lengthy and passionate affair with Papa John, the only man I’ve ever truly loved. It is time to stop surviving solely on carbs and cheese and do some moving around and vegetable eating, or something.

So, this evening I took the plunge and attended my first ever exercise class. I decided to go for a BODYBALANCE™ class (yes, according to both brochure and the internet it must be spelt all in capitals ALL THE TIME) which is a mix of T’ai Chi, Yoga and Pilates. And you know what? I didn’t hate it.

Here is a quick rundown of what you can expect from a BODYBALANCE™ class:

  • You will do the class barefoot, so remember to paint your toenails/don’t bother wearing flash ‘Yeah, I can sport’ trainers.
  • If you are a T’ai Chi novice, you WILL initially feel like a total dork waving your arms around in the required fashion. Luckily there was only about ten minutes of this.
  • The playlist is pretty good, full of appropriate songs to get you pumped when you need to be and to accompany the stretching of muscles you’d long forgotten you have (I’ve just had a little Google search of the current tracklist and am vibing along to ‘Bridges’ by Broods, a uber-chill tune that kicked off tonight’s session)
  • It will be predominantly women who attend. There were just two blokes hiding at the back of our class this evening.
  • Yummy mummies a-plenty.
  • Even if you’re a total beginner you’ll be able to keep pace, work up an upper lip sweat and leave feeling satisfactorily achy.
  • The same company also have other classes called BODYCOMBAT™ and BODYPUMP™, the former being martial arts inspired and the latter an intense weights workout, which I may try next week if feeling brave.

And here is an extract from my brain during the class:

“Let your mind drift, focus solely on your breathing while we hold this pose.”

Deep breaths in, slowly exhale.

I am already so awesome at this.

Hang on; what’s this song in the background?

I know that voice.

It’s Justin Timberlake. And he’s singing about…

Wait. What’s that he’s singing about?

Having sex…

Having sex on… the moon?

In a… spaceship?

Moon sex.

Seriously JT?

My thighs are hurting, I hate this pose.

Actual moon sex would be a right mare though, wouldn’t it?

Zero gravity, bitches.

Stop thinking about sex, think about yoga.

Why does that woman at the front look so smug?

Stop looking smug.

Don’t be thirty years older than me and thirty times bendier!


Chorus again, back to moon sex.

This song is seriously distracting.

If I had someone to have sex with right now, what would be the statistical chances of me being in this class?

Maybe like a 5-10% chance.

New pose, thank fuck.

How the hell does Gwyneth Paltrow do this all day?


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