I hate to admit this but recently I signed up to the world’s most depressing app – Tinder. Having just moved back to Essex after four years away (to live with my folks on the cheap, thus affording myself time to write and focus on getting a journalism career off the ground) I’m missing having a big group of pals around me, like I did while living in Brighton, and am feeling a smidge lonely. Add to this, the fact I’ve spent the last few months wallowing in self pity after a break up, then Tinder seems like an alright place to start dipping a toe back into the waters of dating – at least you know everybody on there is single (or do you?), unlike on a night out where everybody’s status is as hidden as Perez Hilton’s dignity.
During my brief time on Tinder, I have already noticed a familiar pattern of selfies that appear and automatically earn a swipe left (also known as a big fat no in Tinder terms). Regardless of whether you’re about to discover a cure for cancer, regularly run decathlons for charity or are just properly, mega funny, if your picture is you posing in the middle of a gym I’m never going to find out. These awful selfie setups make my skin want to crawl off my body and run down the road screaming “HELP, HELP! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF THE HUMANS?!” :
- The Gym Selfie – Do my muscular cloud-shaped arms turn you on baby? Look at me sweating, does it make you sweat? Nope. I once dated a 6ft 4 rugby player with the most chiselled arms, face and thighs to have left the southern hemisphere and as beautiful as he was to look at, every time we shared a bed it was like trying to cuddle up to a wardrobe. Plus trying to straddle those giant thighs gave me actual bruises. I don’t care how dirty you train or how clean you eat; it’s not a turn on. Somebody needs to invent a dating app specifically for gym freaks, before us normies end up with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from all that swiping left.
- The Token Child Selfie – Actual quote from an actual 29-year-old male on Tinder “My niece is honestly my best friend” But is she though? Is she actually or are you just hoping to make my ovaries explode with your potential parenting abilities, by uploading a photo of you with a small child? Clue: It won’t work. Who wants to hang out with a man who has a four year old girl as a best pal? Go to the pub with some people your own age. Weirdo.
- The Animal Selfie – I have a dog, look how kind I am! I’m so sensitive! Please date me! Nah. I like dogs but if that’s your sole pulling technique, I ain’t down for it.
- The Exotic Animal Selfie – Anyone posing with a sedated tiger is a dick. Do your research.
- The In Bed Selfie – Fully grown men, wrapped in sheets, giving puppy dog eyes while wearing the square root of nothing. Is this supposed to give us a glimpse into the future of how it would be to wake up beside you? If so, I think I’ll stick with the usual box of leftover pizza, cheers.
- The Pulling a Quirky Face Selfie – Oh look, I’m flashing my teeth and raising an eyebrow! So quirky, such fun! Bet you’ve never seen anyone as zany as I before! Yawn. Also the ‘Perpetually Confused Face Selfie’, why are you looking into the camera like you’ve never seen a camera before? Please stop.
- The In a Mirror Selfie – So many mirrors, so little time. A branch off from this variety of selfie is the also commonly reoccurring ‘In a Mirror Wearing a Suit Selfie’, as if the wearing of a tie somehow excuses something?
- The Deliberate Tattoo Show Off Selfie – Why would anybody swipe right based on four identical pictures of your strategically placed arm and a nondescript bio, about how much you love getting inked? Also, your tattoos of stars and ‘Carpe Diem’ are hella base. Don’t get me wrong, I am all in favour of tattoos, I have two (shit ones) myself, cite Yelawolf as an ultimate hottie and once upon a time regularly shared a bed with a guy who had a sword tattooed on his FACE. Just don’t create an entire Tinder profile around your body art, you little one trick pony.
Maybe this judging and swiping business isn’t for me…